I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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