Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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