Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
