not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
