Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
