I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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