Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
