my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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