I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
