You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
