I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
