My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
