At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
