No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
