You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
