i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
