My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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