If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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