So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You had me at "let me see your balls"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
