I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
