i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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