if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
