I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
