if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
