I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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