There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize