You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
