Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
