Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
