i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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