She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
