Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
