I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
