Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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