Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Randomize
