a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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