What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
