What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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