There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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