So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
