My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
