I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
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