Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Randomize
