mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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