Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I have fence marks all over my body
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
