Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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