the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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