I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
