The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
