Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
