the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
