i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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