Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
