i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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