I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
