Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
