Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
