Well apparently he's into motor boating.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
